Archive for July 2010

The Energy of Separation and Relationship

July 8, 2010

Recently, I’ve been taking inventory of my actions in my most intimate relationships. I had a lot of resistance to doing this. I got some help when a monk stopped by my house to bless me. His blessing gave me the boost of light I needed to work through some of my initial resistance, and it was the dogged determination of a dear friend who helped me through the deepest, toughest parts.

When I looked at my actions, what I saw horrified me. I had a blatant disregard for the feelings of others. In almost every instance, this was true – talk about an ingrained pattern. I had shut down my heart and surrounded it with armor. I don’t have to tell you how far this got me in relationship.

What is behind this?  A long-standing, deep-rooted, cherished family belief: The world is a big, scary place and everyone is out to get me. Everyone. That includes the people I love and those who love me. I would reject and hurt people before they could do it to me – because I had an underlying belief they would. If anyone got too close, I’d just swat at them and push them away. If that didn’t work, I would coldly announce that I was done and moving on, giving no regard at all to how they felt.  As this realization came over me, I felt a strong burning in my heart, the confirmation of truth. I felt relieved and grateful. There was a huge release of energy from my crown. Somewhere inside my head an alarm sounded, “Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!” I knew it was my truth. I began crying tears of joy.

But there was more to it than that. I wasn’t able to trust and connect with others. My partner said it was almost like I wanted revenge against men. It all led back to separation. My Dad punished me leaving me alone in a chair for what felt like hours. Miserable and lonely, I felt abandoned and unloved. Please know I am not blaming my Dad for anything.  I am aware it was my choice to carry this story around with me. I could’ve let it go at any time.

I replaced the story of my Dad leaving me alone in my chair, with a story of me sitting on his lap in the chair, spending time with him, talking to him about what was bothering me and cuddling with him. In short, having my Dad love, nurture and connect with me. A much better truth.  After all, my subconscious doesn’t know what actually happened and what didn’t.

Finally there were the lies. I had been having difficulty speaking my truth in relationship and many times, just outright lying to the person who was supposed to be most important to me. I realized this was the tact I had taken with my Dad. I lied to him all the time to get what I wanted and it worked! Some repatterning was required here too – I need to be open and honest and tell the truth to connect with my partner and get my needs met. Once I knew this, I got a sharp ringing in both ears that drowned out any sound in the room. A definite confirmation of my truth.  It cracks me up; it’s like my ego saying, “La, la, la, la, la, I can’t hear you!”

I had no idea these unconscious beliefs were running the show all this time. That’s how insidious the energy of separation and ego is. I am very grateful to have this awareness about myself now. This means I can make a different choice. I already have.

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